Tag Archives: sex

The Celibate Peacock, the Bengal Tiger & other things National


Yesterday, a high court judge, in a state of delirium, perhaps caused by retirement, made two astounding announcements, on the last day of work. In the same breath, he elevated the status of the country’s National Bird, the peacock, to that of a divine feathered creature and declared that the cow was actually the right candidate to be the National Animal.

Unknown to the peacock, he erased its sexuality and its propensity for polygamy and declared it celibate: http://www.ndtv.com/india-news/peacock-dont-have-sex-says-judge-who-recommended-cow-as-national-animal-1706363

It was this virtue of chastity, he suggested, that was responsible for its choice as the avian representative of the country, and for Lord Krishna himself to tuck its feather into his crown.

News reaches the jungle fast. The informer conveyed to the peacock that it need not spread out its plumage or dance wildly anymore, to attract its mate. All it needed to do was cry for no particular reason to enable the peahen to collect its potent teardrops in its beak and impregnate herself. Reproductive science, he said, had taken a giant leap. And, if the peacock wanted to retain his position, he had to abide by the disclosure of this advocate of abstinence, who was himself born out of the very act, from which he had disassociated the peacock. Celibacy was now mandatory to remain the national representative. On hearing this, the peacock started shedding copious tears and the peahen went into mourning for the loss of an active sex life, and refused to wipe the peacock’s tears, forget drinking them. Whatever for should she bear his progeny, when the basic orgiastic pleasure for doing so was no longer hers!

The informer also held a secret meeting with the Bengal Tiger. Asking him whether he had been to the jungle pathologist lately for a routine urine examination, he threw the sinewy animal into a tizzy. When he roared menacingly, the unfazed informer told him that his ferocity was of no consequence. In fact, he was now more endangered than ever. He scoffed further at his qualities of grace, strength, agility and enormous power. They were nothing compared to having traces of a holy river in one’s urine, and the evidence of 33 crore deities residing in one’s stomach. The tiger, he urged, needed a sonography too.

Besides, he was a carnivore and he ate that which should not be eaten, in times when adherence to vegetarianism and subsistence on grass (the green variety, not what you think) were the sterling qualities to be flaunted. He was, in retrospect, such a misfit. What’s more, the new candidate being promoted had miraculous medicinal powers that killed bacteria, enhanced brain and heart power and stopped ageing, while he killed everything in sight and his savagery paralysed the brains and stopped the hearts of those who chanced upon him, and left them with no time to age. Both beast and man were baying for his blood, the former, an involuntary pawn and the latter engaged in a game of thrones. The inevitable coup, he said, was a brilliant moo.

The tiger sat down slowly, extending his paw for the tigress to hold. He was in the middle of a crisis and needed her support. When she slapped it away, he suspected that a certain Melania was responsible for such a blatant rebuttal. The informer had reported that the winds of incipient celibacy were flowing erratically from nation to nation, and influencing even people in high places. But, the tiger mused, he needed sex for both recreation and procreation. His life and that of his yet to be born descendants literally depended upon it. If, thought the tiger, he abstained, his numbers would dwindle further and if he did not, he would perhaps have to abdicate, and nothing could be more humiliating than losing out to a ruminating mammal. He also surmised that the epithet Bengal could prove to be his nemesis considering the growing animosity between the ruling party and its opposing counterparts from the eastern part of the nation, of which it is native.

Last heard, the peacock and the Bengal tiger had joined forces and invited the bald eagle, the red breasted robin, the emu, the lion and the kangaroo, all national symbols, of foreign countries for a conference to take steps to not only guard their sexuality from unfair human predation but to also formulate a joint charter of rights for non-human symbols of national pride. Delirious human beings, they now know, are capable of making strange pronouncements, coining baffling words, and indulging in random public display of rejection.

It is raining in the jungle now. The peacock is dancing unabashedly. The tiger is preparing for the battle to keep his stripes. Both can’t help but be true to their nature. The delirious human being too, as is his wont, has his foot stuck firmly in his mouth.